I may be starting to really like The Boss (The Lawyer must have dropped of the face of the earth) . I find myself thinking about him a lot. I want to see him a lot. I think about him a lot (wait, did I already say that). And when my phone rings I always hope it’s him.
Oh shit. How did this happen? From the mental perspective, I totally get it. But from the emotional perspective I’m all messed up. Usually I am the one who can keep cool. Who doesn’t get too worked up. My BFF has even called me mean because of how distant I can be. But here I am getting all mushy over some man that I have only been seeing for a few weeks.
Last night I noticed this irrational behavior, and decided to put a stop to it.
He had called, I was unavailable so I called back and he didn’t answer. I noticed myself checking the phone a few times in an hour and a half to see if I had any text messages or anything.
WTF... I need to pull myself together.
So when he calls (shortly after), I don’t answer and I don’t call back.
I really want to see him but instead go to bed reading “Why Men Love Bitches” .
Am I doing what I need to do to keep him interested?
Or am I just plain scared?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Oh shit… We did it!
I broke my own rule, I ended up in his apartment to watch a movie. Can’t tell ya’ what movie it was we were watching but I swear there was a reason for going upstairs.
I really didn’t see this coming. Really!
I was out to dinner with The Boss, and it was nice. He held my hand, said nice things, took me to a great place. But besides all of that, I like him for the way I feel when I’m with him. I get to feel small, soft and protected, something this power hungry aggressive femme fatal rarely gets to feel. But, I was not sure that he had yet passed the interview. I mean I do like him, but I also like The Lawyer. I figured some snuggling on the couch for a good flick would be harmless. I truly thought I would be fine.
Anyway, we did it, it was great. He has called multiple times in the few days since and has asked to see me practically every day, but my schedule is so crazy. And besides, I still want to check out the other options. So, I’m going to keep it slow and see how it all goes.
Now, I know that the whole purpose of this blog was to detail the events of my non-sex life. And now I’ve gone and done it. Great! Now what do I do?
To my own defense, the blog may have only been going on for a week, but the journey with The Boss has been going on for 6 months. I have worked this man and played the rules with this one & now I have him eating out of the palm of my hand.
The question came up, Do I quit doing this blog now that I have had sex?
That left me wondering what exactly are the X-Y Games?
At first I thought they were about this one particular experience. Of me interviewing this one man for a specific job. But as the games played on, and other players tagged in, it left me sitting in a new realization.
It’s not about the games some people play to get sex.
It’s not about the games others play to withhold sex.
It’s not even about the games we play to land a relationship or to avoid one.
These are the Games of our lives.
Or, more specifically, it’s the games we play with ourselves.
And for me it’s the big game.
The championship playoffs.
To see what will win out.
The independent me, that can go it all alone?
Or the me that desperately wants to open my heart and surrender to love.
So, if we don’t have a winner yet, I guess the games must go on.
I really didn’t see this coming. Really!
I was out to dinner with The Boss, and it was nice. He held my hand, said nice things, took me to a great place. But besides all of that, I like him for the way I feel when I’m with him. I get to feel small, soft and protected, something this power hungry aggressive femme fatal rarely gets to feel. But, I was not sure that he had yet passed the interview. I mean I do like him, but I also like The Lawyer. I figured some snuggling on the couch for a good flick would be harmless. I truly thought I would be fine.
Anyway, we did it, it was great. He has called multiple times in the few days since and has asked to see me practically every day, but my schedule is so crazy. And besides, I still want to check out the other options. So, I’m going to keep it slow and see how it all goes.
Now, I know that the whole purpose of this blog was to detail the events of my non-sex life. And now I’ve gone and done it. Great! Now what do I do?
To my own defense, the blog may have only been going on for a week, but the journey with The Boss has been going on for 6 months. I have worked this man and played the rules with this one & now I have him eating out of the palm of my hand.
The question came up, Do I quit doing this blog now that I have had sex?
That left me wondering what exactly are the X-Y Games?
At first I thought they were about this one particular experience. Of me interviewing this one man for a specific job. But as the games played on, and other players tagged in, it left me sitting in a new realization.
It’s not about the games some people play to get sex.
It’s not about the games others play to withhold sex.
It’s not even about the games we play to land a relationship or to avoid one.
These are the Games of our lives.
Or, more specifically, it’s the games we play with ourselves.
And for me it’s the big game.
The championship playoffs.
To see what will win out.
The independent me, that can go it all alone?
Or the me that desperately wants to open my heart and surrender to love.
So, if we don’t have a winner yet, I guess the games must go on.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Complete Job Description
Enter The Lawyer.
This man is smart, sexy and smooth… and wouldn’t you know a great kisser.
(Or at this point perhaps we can all surrender that I am a great kisser, since I’ve now kissed 3 different people this week and all are great kissers. OK… I better look at this as well)
So after a great date with The Lawyer , I debate to myself who is a better match for me?
The Lawyer or The Boss. And it is at this time that I figure I better take a few minutes to get clear on what the job description actually is.
So here goes:
My partner, my King is
Accessible, loyal, loving, strong
Delicious, passionate, affectionate
Healthy, kind and wealthy.
He is spiritual, successful and highly sexual
Intentional, handsome, romantic & extremely intelligent.
He supports me & understands me and he shows me his love through all of his actions.
He sees me as the most amazing woman he has ever met
And can not imagine his future without me.
He has healthy boundaries, a healthy lifestyle
and a powerful connection to spirit.
He loves to travel, dance and eat out
He is mindful & giving, open and funny
He finds me irresistible & he is strong enough to love my strength
all while bringing me to mind blowing multiple orgasms.
He is a superb father, a faithful, loving and supportive husband.
He loves himself, his family, me, my dog, my family & all that life has to offer
and we grow closer and closer every single day.
This man is smart, sexy and smooth… and wouldn’t you know a great kisser.
(Or at this point perhaps we can all surrender that I am a great kisser, since I’ve now kissed 3 different people this week and all are great kissers. OK… I better look at this as well)
So after a great date with The Lawyer , I debate to myself who is a better match for me?
The Lawyer or The Boss. And it is at this time that I figure I better take a few minutes to get clear on what the job description actually is.
So here goes:
My partner, my King is
Accessible, loyal, loving, strong
Delicious, passionate, affectionate
Healthy, kind and wealthy.
He is spiritual, successful and highly sexual
Intentional, handsome, romantic & extremely intelligent.
He supports me & understands me and he shows me his love through all of his actions.
He sees me as the most amazing woman he has ever met
And can not imagine his future without me.
He has healthy boundaries, a healthy lifestyle
and a powerful connection to spirit.
He loves to travel, dance and eat out
He is mindful & giving, open and funny
He finds me irresistible & he is strong enough to love my strength
all while bringing me to mind blowing multiple orgasms.
He is a superb father, a faithful, loving and supportive husband.
He loves himself, his family, me, my dog, my family & all that life has to offer
and we grow closer and closer every single day.
The Scorpio Whack Rationalization
As a Scorpio woman I am gifted with many blessings or curses (sometimes I’m not sure). Like the ability to manipulate energy, to deceive people including myself and to intellectualize my love life. It is precisely this fact that I’ve entered on this whole journey.
And even though I can admit this about myself I still get “swept up” sometimes.
So, I’m chilling alone in this restaurant/lounge having a bite to eat and enjoying the smooth R&B music. My plan is to hang for no more than an hour and then head home when I meet Shauna.
Shauna is a beautiful African American woman with huge almond eyes and a smile that makes you think she is hiding a secret. And her shoes... so hot! I would totally rock them. She tells me its her birthday and we chat about normal new friend stuff.
The DJ starts spinning one of my favorite joints and she invites me to the dance floor with her crew. I follow. We dance. It’s fun. All very normal really, when unexpectedly Shauna leans over an kisses me. Wow! I surely didn’t see that coming. Her kiss was slow and gentle, with a quality I still cant describe as anything but feminine. (I know...duh) but really. She looked me deep in the eyes, and suddenly her secret smile made sense. She was trying to pick me up. Wow again!
As this realization washes over me, I ask myself the big question. Am I attracted to women, is this something I would consider? I know she can tell I’m in my head so she wastes no time to get me back in the present moment. I get the feeling she has done this before. Could she be a lipstick lesbian strolling for straight women? And how on earth did I end up in this position?
OK, checking in with me.
I love men. I appreciate a beautiful woman, but have never thought they could make me feel the way men make me feel. Do I feel this only because I don't know how a woman would make me feel? Because I never really explored that option?
OK, checking her out.
She is absolutely beautiful. Her skin is shimmery and soft and she smells divine.
This is definitely not what men make me feel.
Being with her for this brief moment, I begin to sense something that is quite familiar and sexy. I can see in her, the attention to detail of getting ready to go. The way she perfectly applied her make-up, her hair. Everything pulled together so that she could FEEL sexy, not so that she would look sexy.
Ladies who are reading this right now, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. That overall presence that we have that exudes sensuality. Most of the time, when I’m in this space, there is no one around to appreciate it.
Or, to get really specific, men are usually very perceptive when they are trying to get you into bed, but once you have been dating them for some time you could be tied to the bed with silk scarves wrapped in scented french lace and they still wont turn off the game.
Overall, I get the feeling that just wouldn’t happen with a woman. Is being with a woman the true way to explore the full spectrum of sensuality? Maybe it is.
So what the hell, I keep dancing. This is so exciting. It is like being a virgin all over again. The feeling of being inexperienced, unsure and a bit uncomfortable is alluring. The giggles, the butterflies. The wanting stares she shoots me that make me blush and look away. She kisses me a few more times, and with each one I get a little more comfortable.
I begin to rationalize.
Making out with a woman is not technically sex, right?
I mean, I've been on this whole interviewing process with men for over 6 months now. And it’s looking promising, but mama wants some action.
My mind begins to take hold of this position. It seems so clear. I can keep withholding from the men in my life AND can still have the experience of making out and being wanted. Is this the perfect solution? Have I stumbled upon a sexual epiphany?
The more I allow myself to engage in this line of thinking the more appealing it is.
I’m not sure when and how, but somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice begins to whisper “wow, you’re so clever!”. I hear it and immediately brush it aside while sweeping a strand of her dark black hair away from her eyes. The voice speaks again this time saying “hell of a loop hole you’ve found here”. Again, I ignore it and continue to flirt but the voice wont let up. Its not yelling at me or anything, but it is speaking to the deeper me. It is speaking directly to my soul. Moments later another message arrives. This time is communicates slowly and clearly “Is this working towards what it is that you actually want?” Holy shit, instead of the voice speaking TO my soul I realize that perhaps it is the voice OF my soul.
I step back, and escape to the bathroom to pull myself together. The whole scene begins to get smaller and I have the opportunity to see from a broader picture.
My intention here is to find my king. Right?
How is making out with this woman going to do that?
Suddenly, I’m awake. I can see so clearly how my mind was able to manipulate me. How I was able to find a way to stay shut down or shut out.
Shit, I’m doing it again. Using my sexuality so that I don’t have to open my heart. So that I don’t have to trust someone. So that I don’t have to actually let someone see the me. This whole persona, that keeps me safe also keeps me alone. It is so easy to fall back into it. Even when I set clear boundaries for myself the sneaky Scorpio self finds a crevice to creep in through.
We’ll not this time. No mam. I’m on to you..me. And I’m not playing this game.
Instead- I go home…..alone.
And even though I can admit this about myself I still get “swept up” sometimes.
So, I’m chilling alone in this restaurant/lounge having a bite to eat and enjoying the smooth R&B music. My plan is to hang for no more than an hour and then head home when I meet Shauna.
Shauna is a beautiful African American woman with huge almond eyes and a smile that makes you think she is hiding a secret. And her shoes... so hot! I would totally rock them. She tells me its her birthday and we chat about normal new friend stuff.
The DJ starts spinning one of my favorite joints and she invites me to the dance floor with her crew. I follow. We dance. It’s fun. All very normal really, when unexpectedly Shauna leans over an kisses me. Wow! I surely didn’t see that coming. Her kiss was slow and gentle, with a quality I still cant describe as anything but feminine. (I know...duh) but really. She looked me deep in the eyes, and suddenly her secret smile made sense. She was trying to pick me up. Wow again!
As this realization washes over me, I ask myself the big question. Am I attracted to women, is this something I would consider? I know she can tell I’m in my head so she wastes no time to get me back in the present moment. I get the feeling she has done this before. Could she be a lipstick lesbian strolling for straight women? And how on earth did I end up in this position?
OK, checking in with me.
I love men. I appreciate a beautiful woman, but have never thought they could make me feel the way men make me feel. Do I feel this only because I don't know how a woman would make me feel? Because I never really explored that option?
OK, checking her out.
She is absolutely beautiful. Her skin is shimmery and soft and she smells divine.
This is definitely not what men make me feel.
Being with her for this brief moment, I begin to sense something that is quite familiar and sexy. I can see in her, the attention to detail of getting ready to go. The way she perfectly applied her make-up, her hair. Everything pulled together so that she could FEEL sexy, not so that she would look sexy.
Ladies who are reading this right now, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. That overall presence that we have that exudes sensuality. Most of the time, when I’m in this space, there is no one around to appreciate it.
Or, to get really specific, men are usually very perceptive when they are trying to get you into bed, but once you have been dating them for some time you could be tied to the bed with silk scarves wrapped in scented french lace and they still wont turn off the game.
Overall, I get the feeling that just wouldn’t happen with a woman. Is being with a woman the true way to explore the full spectrum of sensuality? Maybe it is.
So what the hell, I keep dancing. This is so exciting. It is like being a virgin all over again. The feeling of being inexperienced, unsure and a bit uncomfortable is alluring. The giggles, the butterflies. The wanting stares she shoots me that make me blush and look away. She kisses me a few more times, and with each one I get a little more comfortable.
I begin to rationalize.
Making out with a woman is not technically sex, right?
I mean, I've been on this whole interviewing process with men for over 6 months now. And it’s looking promising, but mama wants some action.
My mind begins to take hold of this position. It seems so clear. I can keep withholding from the men in my life AND can still have the experience of making out and being wanted. Is this the perfect solution? Have I stumbled upon a sexual epiphany?
The more I allow myself to engage in this line of thinking the more appealing it is.
I’m not sure when and how, but somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice begins to whisper “wow, you’re so clever!”. I hear it and immediately brush it aside while sweeping a strand of her dark black hair away from her eyes. The voice speaks again this time saying “hell of a loop hole you’ve found here”. Again, I ignore it and continue to flirt but the voice wont let up. Its not yelling at me or anything, but it is speaking to the deeper me. It is speaking directly to my soul. Moments later another message arrives. This time is communicates slowly and clearly “Is this working towards what it is that you actually want?” Holy shit, instead of the voice speaking TO my soul I realize that perhaps it is the voice OF my soul.
I step back, and escape to the bathroom to pull myself together. The whole scene begins to get smaller and I have the opportunity to see from a broader picture.
My intention here is to find my king. Right?
How is making out with this woman going to do that?
Suddenly, I’m awake. I can see so clearly how my mind was able to manipulate me. How I was able to find a way to stay shut down or shut out.
Shit, I’m doing it again. Using my sexuality so that I don’t have to open my heart. So that I don’t have to trust someone. So that I don’t have to actually let someone see the me. This whole persona, that keeps me safe also keeps me alone. It is so easy to fall back into it. Even when I set clear boundaries for myself the sneaky Scorpio self finds a crevice to creep in through.
We’ll not this time. No mam. I’m on to you..me. And I’m not playing this game.
Instead- I go home…..alone.
Friday, October 17, 2008
And the Competition Stiffens (literally)
The Boss drops by my place for a bite to eat and a glass of wine.
This is fine, because this guy hasn’t even tried to kiss me and we’ve hung out several times.
A glass of wine turns into a bottle of wine, turns into the most amazing make out session.
His lips are so soft, and we have the best kissing chemistry. Yikes. how did this happen?
He was so shy before. I manage a safe escape this time, but a new rule must be applied.
All dates must happen in public places.
Drinking wine by candlelight, alone in my apartment... Clearly not a good idea.
Overall I feel good about my self control,
but in retrospect I sure wish I would have kept my top on!
This is fine, because this guy hasn’t even tried to kiss me and we’ve hung out several times.
A glass of wine turns into a bottle of wine, turns into the most amazing make out session.
His lips are so soft, and we have the best kissing chemistry. Yikes. how did this happen?
He was so shy before. I manage a safe escape this time, but a new rule must be applied.
All dates must happen in public places.
Drinking wine by candlelight, alone in my apartment... Clearly not a good idea.
Overall I feel good about my self control,
but in retrospect I sure wish I would have kept my top on!
I'm Good, This is Easy (As opposed to I'm good & I'm easy)
I’ve been flirting with this guy, lets call him The Boss (FYI- not mine, but surely someone else’s) for 6 months now. We’ve gone to dinner a few times and had drinks a few more times. It seems to be going well, and I’m certainly attracted to him. By now, I would have devoured him (as a scorpio with a fetish for stilettos, I probably want it more than he does, and I cant even remember the last time that I did it). But, I’m willing to work the rules. I've made sure to let him know (casually and with humor) that I am looking for more than just a hook up. His continued interest, keeps me in the game.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Let the games begin.
My urban Guru, Steve Harvey, from the Steve Harvey morning radio show has convinced me not to have sex. This is something quite blog worthy, because not having sex would normally be a deal breaker for me. You see I am a 30 something city woman. A scorpio at that, which for those of you who are astrologically defunct, this means I’m extremely sexual. It may even be the most predominant personality trait I have. Now I’m not saying that I’m a complete ho bag, but I am quite comfortable in the bedroom.
Over the past few years, I’ve often enjoyed the company of young, built, dumb, hung men. They were fun, really really fun. But dare I say it I think I’m ready to settle down, or better yet to open my heart to someone?
So Mr. Harvey, I’m listening.
Steve says:
That finding a partner should be like interviewing for a job. When someone applies for a job, the 1st thing that happens is that the job description is clearly spelled out. What is expected as well as what will not be tolerated. The hours, the duties to be performed and such. All of this is laid out in the beginning. During this INTERVIEW process, it is the responsibility of the person who is looking to hire someone, to listen to what the person being interviewed is actually saying. As opposed to hearing what you wish they were saying.
Breakdown:
When a man says he is just looking to have fun… it means he is clearly not looking for a relationship or in other words...PLAYER.
Steve says:
Just like with any other job, one usually needs to make it through a probationary period where there is an opportunity to determine if the job description is being fulfilled. Only after this probationary period, and a through performance assessment can be completed does the employee begin to receive any “benefits”.
Breakdown:
Don’t start offering benefits until you are certain the job description will be met.
If the employee is getting the benefits from the beginning, then there is no need to perform the required duties.
Steve says:
If a man is not willing to wait out the probationary period to receive the benefits, this means he is not actually interested in holding down the job, that he is really only interested in the benefits.
So the game begins here.
I pledge to put this advise into action with my newest applicants.
The goal, to wait as long as I possibly can. To hold out on sex until I’m sure I’ve found someone who actually wants the job. And to keep me honest (and untouched), I will take you along on the ride.
Over the past few years, I’ve often enjoyed the company of young, built, dumb, hung men. They were fun, really really fun. But dare I say it I think I’m ready to settle down, or better yet to open my heart to someone?
So Mr. Harvey, I’m listening.
Steve says:
That finding a partner should be like interviewing for a job. When someone applies for a job, the 1st thing that happens is that the job description is clearly spelled out. What is expected as well as what will not be tolerated. The hours, the duties to be performed and such. All of this is laid out in the beginning. During this INTERVIEW process, it is the responsibility of the person who is looking to hire someone, to listen to what the person being interviewed is actually saying. As opposed to hearing what you wish they were saying.
Breakdown:
When a man says he is just looking to have fun… it means he is clearly not looking for a relationship or in other words...PLAYER.
Steve says:
Just like with any other job, one usually needs to make it through a probationary period where there is an opportunity to determine if the job description is being fulfilled. Only after this probationary period, and a through performance assessment can be completed does the employee begin to receive any “benefits”.
Breakdown:
Don’t start offering benefits until you are certain the job description will be met.
If the employee is getting the benefits from the beginning, then there is no need to perform the required duties.
Steve says:
If a man is not willing to wait out the probationary period to receive the benefits, this means he is not actually interested in holding down the job, that he is really only interested in the benefits.
So the game begins here.
I pledge to put this advise into action with my newest applicants.
The goal, to wait as long as I possibly can. To hold out on sex until I’m sure I’ve found someone who actually wants the job. And to keep me honest (and untouched), I will take you along on the ride.
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