The Scorpio Whack Rationalization

As a Scorpio woman I am gifted with many blessings or curses (sometimes I’m not sure). Like the ability to manipulate energy, to deceive people including myself and to intellectualize my love life. It is precisely this fact that I’ve entered on this whole journey.
And even though I can admit this about myself I still get “swept up” sometimes.

So, I’m chilling alone in this restaurant/lounge having a bite to eat and enjoying the smooth R&B music. My plan is to hang for no more than an hour and then head home when I meet Shauna.

Shauna is a beautiful African American woman with huge almond eyes and a smile that makes you think she is hiding a secret. And her shoes... so hot! I would totally rock them. She tells me its her birthday and we chat about normal new friend stuff.
The DJ starts spinning one of my favorite joints and she invites me to the dance floor with her crew. I follow. We dance. It’s fun. All very normal really, when unexpectedly Shauna leans over an kisses me. Wow! I surely didn’t see that coming. Her kiss was slow and gentle, with a quality I still cant describe as anything but feminine. (I know...duh) but really. She looked me deep in the eyes, and suddenly her secret smile made sense. She was trying to pick me up. Wow again!

As this realization washes over me, I ask myself the big question. Am I attracted to women, is this something I would consider? I know she can tell I’m in my head so she wastes no time to get me back in the present moment. I get the feeling she has done this before. Could she be a lipstick lesbian strolling for straight women? And how on earth did I end up in this position?

OK, checking in with me.
I love men. I appreciate a beautiful woman, but have never thought they could make me feel the way men make me feel. Do I feel this only because I don't know how a woman would make me feel? Because I never really explored that option?

OK, checking her out.
She is absolutely beautiful. Her skin is shimmery and soft and she smells divine.
This is definitely not what men make me feel.
Being with her for this brief moment, I begin to sense something that is quite familiar and sexy. I can see in her, the attention to detail of getting ready to go. The way she perfectly applied her make-up, her hair. Everything pulled together so that she could FEEL sexy, not so that she would look sexy.

Ladies who are reading this right now, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. That overall presence that we have that exudes sensuality. Most of the time, when I’m in this space, there is no one around to appreciate it.
Or, to get really specific, men are usually very perceptive when they are trying to get you into bed, but once you have been dating them for some time you could be tied to the bed with silk scarves wrapped in scented french lace and they still wont turn off the game.
Overall, I get the feeling that just wouldn’t happen with a woman. Is being with a woman the true way to explore the full spectrum of sensuality? Maybe it is.

So what the hell, I keep dancing. This is so exciting. It is like being a virgin all over again. The feeling of being inexperienced, unsure and a bit uncomfortable is alluring. The giggles, the butterflies. The wanting stares she shoots me that make me blush and look away. She kisses me a few more times, and with each one I get a little more comfortable.

I begin to rationalize.
Making out with a woman is not technically sex, right?
I mean, I've been on this whole interviewing process with men for over 6 months now. And it’s looking promising, but mama wants some action.
My mind begins to take hold of this position. It seems so clear. I can keep withholding from the men in my life AND can still have the experience of making out and being wanted. Is this the perfect solution? Have I stumbled upon a sexual epiphany?
The more I allow myself to engage in this line of thinking the more appealing it is.

I’m not sure when and how, but somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice begins to whisper “wow, you’re so clever!”. I hear it and immediately brush it aside while sweeping a strand of her dark black hair away from her eyes. The voice speaks again this time saying “hell of a loop hole you’ve found here”. Again, I ignore it and continue to flirt but the voice wont let up. Its not yelling at me or anything, but it is speaking to the deeper me. It is speaking directly to my soul. Moments later another message arrives. This time is communicates slowly and clearly “Is this working towards what it is that you actually want?” Holy shit, instead of the voice speaking TO my soul I realize that perhaps it is the voice OF my soul.

I step back, and escape to the bathroom to pull myself together. The whole scene begins to get smaller and I have the opportunity to see from a broader picture.
My intention here is to find my king. Right?
How is making out with this woman going to do that?
Suddenly, I’m awake. I can see so clearly how my mind was able to manipulate me. How I was able to find a way to stay shut down or shut out.

Shit, I’m doing it again. Using my sexuality so that I don’t have to open my heart. So that I don’t have to trust someone. So that I don’t have to actually let someone see the me. This whole persona, that keeps me safe also keeps me alone. It is so easy to fall back into it. Even when I set clear boundaries for myself the sneaky Scorpio self finds a crevice to creep in through.

We’ll not this time. No mam. I’m on to you..me. And I’m not playing this game.
Instead- I go home…..alone.