Truth = Empowerment!

Another day of disappointment, and I realize that, this is just who he is.
Wow! How sad for him? He’d rather spend the whole day alone working and the night out in a titty bar, then be with me and my friends for the holiday. Again, how sad for him. My heart breaks just a little, and a little of that little is for me. But mostly i feel sorry for him.
Maybe this guy is a wounded bird? Either way, don’t matter. I can't date a guy I feel sorry for. And besides, his actions speak loud and clear.

I do not want to be with a man who is cold and shut down. Hell No!
When I re-read over the job description, no where in there does it say my king is anti-social.
Fuck this. I’m out!

So I tell him.
“This isn’t really working for me. I think its best if we just move on now. You see MY man, would want to be with me on the holidays. He is generous, kind and loving.”

Then he called me a Diva.

So I said, “ I’m not a Diva, but I am looking for love. Now, obviously I don’t expect for us to be in love after only 2 months. But I do need to see that that may be a possibility in the future. And, this…. is not leading there.”

He hung up on me, and I cried a little. I don’t think I cried because I’m sad that this is over. I think it was an emotional release that spontaneously erupted, once I spoke my truth. I mean to say to a man your seeing “I’m looking for love”. In the single world, that's some crazy shit.

We as women have been trained by men to behave as though we don’t care and are not looking for something serious. When most of us are. We have been trained to believe that the fastest way to lose your man is to tell him that you want to fall in love.
Well you know what...I'm done with that shit.
I want to fall in love, get married and have babies.
I am not afraid to admit it.
The more I write about it here, the more confident I get.
And, when the time is right, with confidence and grace, I can be woman enough to admit it to men. Because the position I’m trying to fill is full time with a long contract.
And I am looking for serious applicants ONLY.

All in all, I sit here even more grateful.
In my search for my divine king, I actually get closer and closer to the queen in me.
It is completely divine that my search for love would bring me into the arms of me.







What the hell is really going on?

Two days pass by and The Boss doesn’t call. Funny thing is, I don’t really mind so much. After only a few weeks, I find myself a little bored. What do we have to talk about.? I tell him I saw a great movie, he says “yeah”, and thats it. I tell him I am away for the night visiting my family and he says “ oh, ok. Call me when you get back”. But thats it. Nothings else. Is he not interested in my life? Why doesn’t he ask what were doing or how its going? It seems like we’ve already slipped into a stage that is full of one word answers and periods of empty feeling silences. What’s really going on here?

I contemplate this at night, staring up at the ceiling desperately needing to sleep. Yet there I am lingering in a state where I am no longer sure if this desperation is about the current lack of sleep or if it’s the continual and numbing desperation for love. I am seeing someone, yet I am still desperately awaiting my King.

I’m not sure if The Boss is simply not the one, or if I am just so fucked up, that I’m not fully showing up. Only a month ago, we were crazy for each other, and now its drab and distant. Did I create this? Perhaps I’m too guarded? Too shut down? Am I afraid to invest my heart, because ultimately I don’t trust that he will do the same? Is he emotionally distant because he’s just not that into me? Or is he guarded and unsure?

I would normally say, he’s just not that into me, but when looking back at my own actions, I’m not sure that I have shown him that I’m willing to give it a true attempt. Honestly, I’m not sure I can with him. Is it that I’m not that into him, or will this shit be my M.O. with all men? Am I fucking it up?

Maybe I am. I don’t want to make excuses for him not being as attentive and affectionate as I would like. And believe me, I’m very quick to point out a man’s faults. But, then again, I’m still seeing other men. The Lawyer, has been calling again, and I am still interested in him. With The Lawyer the conversations are intriguing. He is a little goofy, but I like it. Then there is the Thug. He’s not really a thug, but he has what I call “the funk” going on & that I find so attractive. We haven’t even gone out yet but have had a chemistry for quite some time.

The question is, If I went for it, actually gave my heart to The Boss, could it end in happily ever after? If I expressed my thoughts and feelings, authentically and without shame? If I stopped dating other men? If I let down my wall? Would he love me?

All I need... from A to A.

As a single, successful and sexy woman living in Miami, I have adapted a particular lifestyle. The type of lifestyle that includes a condo on the water, plenty of dinners out, travel a few times a year and a shoe fetish that has caused me to turn my empty food pantry into a shoe display that would rival Macys. (Actually, the closet is a bit ghetto rigged, after all it is a pantry, so maybe it would resemble more the shoe aisle at Marshalls. Not christmas Marshalls, but not Macys.) Anyway, this is a lifestyle that I have created for myself. I am the one who meets all of my needs and desires. There are no sugar daddys, or any real daddys for that matter, that are footing the bill.

I have learned how to weave my way through this world completely by myself. I don’t ask anyone for anything. Now, true, this may seem a bit cold or shut down, and if you know me you would know I am anything but. What I’m trying to say is that I have the capabilities to take care of myself, and often many others. That my search for Mr. Right is not so that I can have someone take care of me. It’s so that I can have someone to appreciate and care for.

All I need from my man is 2 simple things.
I can take care of my house, my car, my shopping desires.
I can take myself out to dinner and pay for my own trips to the salon.
I can change a tire (Don’t want to but can if I have to).
I can even get myself off better than anyone else can.

The only things I need from my man are Affection and Adoration.

Affection is something I can not give myself.
It’s when he puts his arm around me as we walk down the street.
The gentle kisses on my neck.
The sitting in the same side of the booth as me, ‘cause across the table is too damn far.
It’s the physical expression of the chemistry he feels for me and it shows through his attention to me.

Adoration is something I (and every other girl) must have from my man.
The way I will know he adores me is by the gestures he makes.
It’s the opening of doors.
The flowers for no reason.
The fact that he calls regularly and is genuinely interested in how I am doing.
A man who adores me always goes above and beyond for my birthday.
He is motivated by the way I light up when he surprises.
A man who always treats me like his special lady, his dream girl.

After all, aren’t I his dream girl.
I am intelligent, beautiful, successful, and strong.
I am loving, compassionate and funny.
I am creative and sexy, and genuinely happy.
And, I’m independent.

How many women like this come around and only ask for 2 simple things?
Especially in Miami.

If what I’m asking for, is asking way too much from you, than I say we walk away now. Because these are non-negotiable criteria. And, if you think I’m a diva, just wait till you go out with the woman who expects Gucci shoes, an Audi and a new set of boobs.

He Aint No Wounded Bird

You know what I like about the boss, right now.?
It’s that he handles his own man business.
He is certainly not a Wounded Bird.
As I look back on my previous relationships, the long ones where I was really and truly in love, the commonality was always that those men were all Wounded Birds.

A Wounded Bird , melts your heart. They are so grateful to have you in their lives, taking care of their needs, and tending to their wounds (weather those wounds are emotional, financial, physical or habitat related). The Wounded Bird needs constant support and nurturing.

The woman who takes in the Wounded Bird offer a serious, extremely exclusive and unwaveringly loyal love. She will actually “get off” on taking care of the sweet, innocent, needy little bird. She will build him up, nurse him back to health and always hold in her heart that one day this little Wounded Bird will grow strong (and grow up).
That he will eventually become the Soaring Eagle she has always know he CAN be.

And, she’s usually right. After years of emotional (and often financial) investment, one day that Wounded Bird realizes that he has re-cooperated fully. He spreads his wings, and they are glorious in width and grace. Full of bright color and permeating with confidence and anticipation. She watches his empowerment, continuing to encourage him with admiration and a heart full of pride. She actually feels blessed to have been a part of this beautiful transformation. She beams with love and a feeling of accomplishment because now this Wounded Bird believes in himself as much as she has always believed in him.

With his revived spirit and powerful belief in himself (as well as the continued support of his woman) this newly restored lttle bird, takes flight. He flies with awe and inspiration. Beautifully. Jubilantly. He remembers how good it feels to spread his wings.
To have complete freedom. To be a Soaring Eagle.
And without looking back, intentionally or not, this Soaring Eagle flies away.

And as he does, he shits all over the woman.



****I did not make up the theory of the Wounded Bird, I have no idea who did, but I’m happy to share this wisdom. And am happier to not be nursing any birds rights now.****

How to handle my WhooHaa

Fellas, fellas, fellas! Why do you insist on punishing my vagina, as though it were an enemy of the state? Is all the jabbing and stretching really necessary? I recognize that this is simply your reaction to extreme excitement, and that is great. Really, we want you to get off! We love to see you all heated and flustered. But, have you not yet realized that this type of touching does not make us squirm because we like it. We are actually trying to wiggle away from your rough and wild fingers.

To your defense, we may be sending you mixed messages with our fantasies about you picking us up and throwing us against the wall while biting our neck. We do want you to be strong and powerful. We do want you to be commanding and domineering. We do want to you to be The Man. Because when you are The Man, we get to feel like The Lady.

So here is the advise:
Please exude manliness in all areas such as:
opening doors
protecting us from spiders
hanging shelves
sending flowers
choosing the wine
handling the business
bringing home the bacon
AND
Layin’ it down!
(Wink, Wink. Please do not confuse this commentary with the ridiculous idea that we want you to be wimpy in the bedroom. We do not.)

But please remember that we are delicate flowers.
When touching us downtown, do to us what WE do best.
Be a tease.
Use soft strokes of gliding gratitude.
Slow down enough to fully appreciate the tenderness of not only this region but of the current intimacy between us. Which is what will actually get us off.
Take gentle care of our sensitive spot, And remember.
The point in touching us below the belt is supposed to be for OUR pleasure.

If you promise to tickle our tutu,
We promise to jerk you around like a 1980’s Atari joystick.

Now, you'll have to excuse me as I must take matters into my own hands.

J. Holiday - Bed
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