What the hell is really going on?

Two days pass by and The Boss doesn’t call. Funny thing is, I don’t really mind so much. After only a few weeks, I find myself a little bored. What do we have to talk about.? I tell him I saw a great movie, he says “yeah”, and thats it. I tell him I am away for the night visiting my family and he says “ oh, ok. Call me when you get back”. But thats it. Nothings else. Is he not interested in my life? Why doesn’t he ask what were doing or how its going? It seems like we’ve already slipped into a stage that is full of one word answers and periods of empty feeling silences. What’s really going on here?

I contemplate this at night, staring up at the ceiling desperately needing to sleep. Yet there I am lingering in a state where I am no longer sure if this desperation is about the current lack of sleep or if it’s the continual and numbing desperation for love. I am seeing someone, yet I am still desperately awaiting my King.

I’m not sure if The Boss is simply not the one, or if I am just so fucked up, that I’m not fully showing up. Only a month ago, we were crazy for each other, and now its drab and distant. Did I create this? Perhaps I’m too guarded? Too shut down? Am I afraid to invest my heart, because ultimately I don’t trust that he will do the same? Is he emotionally distant because he’s just not that into me? Or is he guarded and unsure?

I would normally say, he’s just not that into me, but when looking back at my own actions, I’m not sure that I have shown him that I’m willing to give it a true attempt. Honestly, I’m not sure I can with him. Is it that I’m not that into him, or will this shit be my M.O. with all men? Am I fucking it up?

Maybe I am. I don’t want to make excuses for him not being as attentive and affectionate as I would like. And believe me, I’m very quick to point out a man’s faults. But, then again, I’m still seeing other men. The Lawyer, has been calling again, and I am still interested in him. With The Lawyer the conversations are intriguing. He is a little goofy, but I like it. Then there is the Thug. He’s not really a thug, but he has what I call “the funk” going on & that I find so attractive. We haven’t even gone out yet but have had a chemistry for quite some time.

The question is, If I went for it, actually gave my heart to The Boss, could it end in happily ever after? If I expressed my thoughts and feelings, authentically and without shame? If I stopped dating other men? If I let down my wall? Would he love me?