I have no idea how this is happening or why, but Internet Boyfriend is amazing. He appears to be Emotionally Available. Clearly, I have no clue how to process this. He is attentive (via text, LOL) and considerate. He is challenging me to communicate and show up and to speak my truth. Our history is full of attraction and what I can now only explain now as a desire to be together yet neither one of us had the balls back then to just say so. Maybe this is ridiculous. Or perhaps it’s one of those amazing love stories all women dream of. I don’t know.
All I know is right now he sure feels like Prince Charming. I was a mess, and he rescued me. The Boss really did a number on me, but if that had not happened, I would not be here with Internet Boyfriend.
He is a spectacular artist. Always was. That’s how I remember him in both high school and college. The night I busted The Boss, Internet Boyfriend was there for me. We IM’d for 3 hours, and 3 hours again the next night. We talked about everything. He’s deep, but funny, honest but not needy.
During our conversations, he was actually interested in some of my psycho-spiritual babble. Ultimately this type of awareness defines who I am. Anyone really close to me knows this and embraces this, but not the men that I date. I know that that right there shows my own emotional deficiency… but perhaps I’m transforming that.
After our 3 hour conversations, a few nights in a row he drew me a picture, based on one of the sacred teachings I shared with him. He called it Divine Timing. Whoa!
It is an amazing pencil drawing that must have taken him hours upon hours.
He sent it to me, and I was blown away.
It is of a Divine Eye, inside a heart and the heart is inside two circles that are connecting. He said it represents us, and what has happened between us over the past few days. Hello! I love symbolism. I live, thrive and feel the world based on symbolic sight. Does he also see the world this way?
So I wrote him this:
Divine Timing is the reality that everything happens exactly as it should for our souls evolution. It allows us to recognize all of the many blessings that have helped us to find our way here. It also acknowledges our struggles as gifts and challengers as angels, all here to shape us. That every single experience has carried a necessary and sacred lesson so that we can be right here, right now.
In Divine Timing, we can truly open up, because there are no expectations. No agendas. It is simply two friends, two souls, two hearts who have stumbled upon a rare moment where it is possible for you to be you and me to be me.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
He Fucking Cheated On Me
I still can’t believe it. I’m in shock.
How did I not see this coming?
Usually my intuition is right on, I have always known before. But not this time.
He invited me to his house, but when I got there he wasn’t even home. He has never made we wait around for him before. I’m not that kind of girl. Way to much going on in my own life.
Yet, here I am.
When he doesn’t answer the door, I call him, even though he had just called me 30 minutes before and told me to come on over now. He answered, and told me to go ahead in, that he’d only be a minute. So, in I go.
Straight to the bathroom, only to find an empty toilet paper roll, so a a few shakes and a drip dry later, I am throwing away the empty toilet paper roll in the kitchen trash and that is when I see it.
A used condom and torn wrapper in the otherwise empty trash bag.
WTF…………….
My heart races, my mind searches frantically for a reasonable explanation, but nothing comes to mind. The truth of the fact is that he must have JUST had someone else over. When? I hung with him 2 days ago, we spoke on the phone 2x yesterday. Was it in between the times he called me, or worse could it have been today? I saw him during the day, but we went our separate ways for a few hours.
Who could it be?
Is it someone I know?
Someone he’s been seeing all along?
Did he go out and pick up some floozy?
How can he do this to me. I call my best friend, and cant stop saying, “holy shit!”
I talk to her, we play it all out, and she asks me “Where is he?”.
That is a good freakin’ question!
I am now waiting 40 minutes. Again, WTF.
Do I stay and wait so I can confront him?
I can’t decide if I want to cry, throw up or trash his apartment.
I decide, that I can not wait another minute, even though I’d love to see his face when I ask him about this. Right now I just feel so stupid so I’m out of here.
So I take the garbage bag, and rip it open. I lay it right on the bed with that dirty ass rubber staring right up at him. Out the door I go.
I’m nearly home, when he calls. I can’t answer, I’m crying hysterically on the phone with my girlfriend. I feel so betrayed.
When I check the message, he only says “hey, why aren’t you answering your phone?”, and I can tell by the sound of his voice that he still doesn’t even know that I found it and that I am no longer waiting in his place. That bastard is still not home.
By that time, I would have been waiting over an hour.
Once, I’m home I settle in. A glass of wine or two, and I need to do do something to keep my mind busy. Hello Facebook. Perhaps some superficial banter can keep me from tormenting myself mentally for being the very thing I despise.
A weak woman. A victim.
But I guess it is the moments when we are the most vulnerable that we are able to receive the support and unconditional compassion from others.
That night out of no where an angel appeared.
An old friend from high school & college. A man, I used to see. We had Facebook chatted a few times, just to catch up over the past few months, but this time we really talked.
Three hours of IM, about love, life and everything else.
I’m not sure how or why, but in just those three hours I had more intimacy with this man whom I haven’t seen in almost 14 years and who lives 1000 miles away, then I ever reached in 3 months of dating The Boss.
Enter the Internet Boyfriend.
I have no idea if this is just a Divine Intervention or perhaps distraction.
But I'm very grateful for the company.
OHHH, and The Boss never even called me. No explanation at all. I text him the next day “You have nothing to say to me?”. And apparently he doesn’t because he never answered.
What a pussy. This speaks volumes about what kind of man he is.
A weak, pathetic and selfish one.
He was clearly not my King!
How did I not see this coming?
Usually my intuition is right on, I have always known before. But not this time.
He invited me to his house, but when I got there he wasn’t even home. He has never made we wait around for him before. I’m not that kind of girl. Way to much going on in my own life.
Yet, here I am.
When he doesn’t answer the door, I call him, even though he had just called me 30 minutes before and told me to come on over now. He answered, and told me to go ahead in, that he’d only be a minute. So, in I go.
Straight to the bathroom, only to find an empty toilet paper roll, so a a few shakes and a drip dry later, I am throwing away the empty toilet paper roll in the kitchen trash and that is when I see it.
A used condom and torn wrapper in the otherwise empty trash bag.
WTF…………….
My heart races, my mind searches frantically for a reasonable explanation, but nothing comes to mind. The truth of the fact is that he must have JUST had someone else over. When? I hung with him 2 days ago, we spoke on the phone 2x yesterday. Was it in between the times he called me, or worse could it have been today? I saw him during the day, but we went our separate ways for a few hours.
Who could it be?
Is it someone I know?
Someone he’s been seeing all along?
Did he go out and pick up some floozy?
How can he do this to me. I call my best friend, and cant stop saying, “holy shit!”
I talk to her, we play it all out, and she asks me “Where is he?”.
That is a good freakin’ question!
I am now waiting 40 minutes. Again, WTF.
Do I stay and wait so I can confront him?
I can’t decide if I want to cry, throw up or trash his apartment.
I decide, that I can not wait another minute, even though I’d love to see his face when I ask him about this. Right now I just feel so stupid so I’m out of here.
So I take the garbage bag, and rip it open. I lay it right on the bed with that dirty ass rubber staring right up at him. Out the door I go.
I’m nearly home, when he calls. I can’t answer, I’m crying hysterically on the phone with my girlfriend. I feel so betrayed.
When I check the message, he only says “hey, why aren’t you answering your phone?”, and I can tell by the sound of his voice that he still doesn’t even know that I found it and that I am no longer waiting in his place. That bastard is still not home.
By that time, I would have been waiting over an hour.
Once, I’m home I settle in. A glass of wine or two, and I need to do do something to keep my mind busy. Hello Facebook. Perhaps some superficial banter can keep me from tormenting myself mentally for being the very thing I despise.
A weak woman. A victim.
But I guess it is the moments when we are the most vulnerable that we are able to receive the support and unconditional compassion from others.
That night out of no where an angel appeared.
An old friend from high school & college. A man, I used to see. We had Facebook chatted a few times, just to catch up over the past few months, but this time we really talked.
Three hours of IM, about love, life and everything else.
I’m not sure how or why, but in just those three hours I had more intimacy with this man whom I haven’t seen in almost 14 years and who lives 1000 miles away, then I ever reached in 3 months of dating The Boss.
Enter the Internet Boyfriend.
I have no idea if this is just a Divine Intervention or perhaps distraction.
But I'm very grateful for the company.
OHHH, and The Boss never even called me. No explanation at all. I text him the next day “You have nothing to say to me?”. And apparently he doesn’t because he never answered.
What a pussy. This speaks volumes about what kind of man he is.
A weak, pathetic and selfish one.
He was clearly not my King!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
There must be something with the name
It just now occurred to me... the very "name" I gave him, shows a breakthrough in my seemingly narrow approach to men. I have always overachieved & overpowered every man I have ever dated. As I now look at the symbolism of this name, I realize that I am empowering him. Not me? Whoa! For the first time, I 'm allowing the man in my life to be powerful.
Does this mean I am not afraid he will be The Boss of me.
Or perhaps, I'm hoping he will be?
Does this mean I am not afraid he will be The Boss of me.
Or perhaps, I'm hoping he will be?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Strong enough to Surrender
I know. I haven’t written in a while and it isn’t because there is nothing going on.
To the contrary. The big picture revelation is that I can’t even commit to an opinion.
Not about my relationship to The Boss, anyway.
Each day, each experience and I change my mind again. It’s a constant conversation with myself. But my pattern thus far is that If he doesn’t behave exactly the way I want him to, then I'm not going to stay. I can be gone in just one second, and I know, I have let him know as much. It’s such a fine line between me being treated with love and respect and me demanding it through manipulation and threats. Whoa! I’ve think I’ve been here before.
A beautiful friend; a teacher of mine once told me that the definition of the word insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different resolution.
In order to connect with my king, I must shift my focus off of what he is doing and onto what it is that I am doing. Perhaps then the pattern can change. Because, ultimately I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships.
Actually, let me immediately strike that. Or rather transform that thought. I am grateful for each and every relationship from my past.
But, now what I need to look at is... Am I pulling that same controlling shit again?
I’m sure it’s no coincidence that all of my ex’s have accused me of doing that. Am I rushing things? Or placing unrealistic expectations on The Boss?
What if I instead choose to see what he is doing right?
I like this man. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him, but I would like to continue to explore the possibility. So I put myself out there again and spoke from my heart. This time my truth came through with a different tone.
Instead of “I am a goddess and I need to be treated as such! And if you don’t, I will shut you out.” Snap.
(Clearly that approach has yet to lead me into the fulfilling partnership I seek)
This time I say, “I want to keep seeing you, if you want to keep seeing me. And, I’m sorry if I get demanding. It’s just that I am looking for someone who really wants to care about me. And, I guess I freak out sometimes when I question if you do or not. If you like me, then I need you to show me a little bit more. Treat me like your lady, because I’d like to treat you like my man. You see, I’m tired of protecting myself from you. I’m ready to see what happens if I allow myself to be vulnerable. To trust that I am going to be protected by you.
And, if you protect me...I’d like to take care of you.”
Now, I’m sure that I wasn’t quite as simple and clear with him as I am here. But, I have a feeling he heard me anyway.
Even though he is still quiet and doesn’t tell me regularly how much he adores me, I know that he does.
Last night after a lovely dinner out, he held me tight as we watched the movie “Sex and the City”... which he actually bought.
Do I really need more proof than that?
To the contrary. The big picture revelation is that I can’t even commit to an opinion.
Not about my relationship to The Boss, anyway.
Each day, each experience and I change my mind again. It’s a constant conversation with myself. But my pattern thus far is that If he doesn’t behave exactly the way I want him to, then I'm not going to stay. I can be gone in just one second, and I know, I have let him know as much. It’s such a fine line between me being treated with love and respect and me demanding it through manipulation and threats. Whoa! I’ve think I’ve been here before.
A beautiful friend; a teacher of mine once told me that the definition of the word insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different resolution.
In order to connect with my king, I must shift my focus off of what he is doing and onto what it is that I am doing. Perhaps then the pattern can change. Because, ultimately I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships.
Actually, let me immediately strike that. Or rather transform that thought. I am grateful for each and every relationship from my past.
But, now what I need to look at is... Am I pulling that same controlling shit again?
I’m sure it’s no coincidence that all of my ex’s have accused me of doing that. Am I rushing things? Or placing unrealistic expectations on The Boss?
What if I instead choose to see what he is doing right?
I like this man. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him, but I would like to continue to explore the possibility. So I put myself out there again and spoke from my heart. This time my truth came through with a different tone.
Instead of “I am a goddess and I need to be treated as such! And if you don’t, I will shut you out.” Snap.
(Clearly that approach has yet to lead me into the fulfilling partnership I seek)
This time I say, “I want to keep seeing you, if you want to keep seeing me. And, I’m sorry if I get demanding. It’s just that I am looking for someone who really wants to care about me. And, I guess I freak out sometimes when I question if you do or not. If you like me, then I need you to show me a little bit more. Treat me like your lady, because I’d like to treat you like my man. You see, I’m tired of protecting myself from you. I’m ready to see what happens if I allow myself to be vulnerable. To trust that I am going to be protected by you.
And, if you protect me...I’d like to take care of you.”
Now, I’m sure that I wasn’t quite as simple and clear with him as I am here. But, I have a feeling he heard me anyway.
Even though he is still quiet and doesn’t tell me regularly how much he adores me, I know that he does.
Last night after a lovely dinner out, he held me tight as we watched the movie “Sex and the City”... which he actually bought.
Do I really need more proof than that?
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