Strong enough to Surrender

I know. I haven’t written in a while and it isn’t because there is nothing going on.
To the contrary. The big picture revelation is that I can’t even commit to an opinion.
Not about my relationship to The Boss, anyway.

Each day, each experience and I change my mind again. It’s a constant conversation with myself. But my pattern thus far is that If he doesn’t behave exactly the way I want him to, then I'm not going to stay. I can be gone in just one second, and I know, I have let him know as much. It’s such a fine line between me being treated with love and respect and me demanding it through manipulation and threats. Whoa! I’ve think I’ve been here before.

A beautiful friend; a teacher of mine once told me that the definition of the word insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different resolution.

In order to connect with my king, I must shift my focus off of what he is doing and onto what it is that I am doing. Perhaps then the pattern can change. Because, ultimately I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships.

Actually, let me immediately strike that. Or rather transform that thought. I am grateful for each and every relationship from my past.

But, now what I need to look at is... Am I pulling that same controlling shit again?
I’m sure it’s no coincidence that all of my ex’s have accused me of doing that. Am I rushing things? Or placing unrealistic expectations on The Boss?

What if I instead choose to see what he is doing right?

I like this man. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him, but I would like to continue to explore the possibility. So I put myself out there again and spoke from my heart. This time my truth came through with a different tone.

Instead of “I am a goddess and I need to be treated as such! And if you don’t, I will shut you out.” Snap.

(Clearly that approach has yet to lead me into the fulfilling partnership I seek)

This time I say, “I want to keep seeing you, if you want to keep seeing me. And, I’m sorry if I get demanding. It’s just that I am looking for someone who really wants to care about me. And, I guess I freak out sometimes when I question if you do or not. If you like me, then I need you to show me a little bit more. Treat me like your lady, because I’d like to treat you like my man. You see, I’m tired of protecting myself from you. I’m ready to see what happens if I allow myself to be vulnerable. To trust that I am going to be protected by you.
And, if you protect me...I’d like to take care of you.”

Now, I’m sure that I wasn’t quite as simple and clear with him as I am here. But, I have a feeling he heard me anyway.

Even though he is still quiet and doesn’t tell me regularly how much he adores me, I know that he does.

Last night after a lovely dinner out, he held me tight as we watched the movie “Sex and the City”... which he actually bought.

Do I really need more proof than that?